Zombies on the Brain

It's late at night. You're home alone, about to go to sleep. Suddenly, you hear scratching at the window. You stop and listen. A branch, maybe? You try and shut out the sound, get into your pajamas and turn out the light. But the scratching continues. Only now it's getting a little louder, more frequent. And you can swear you hear moaning, groaning. Is it the neighbors? You put the radio on to drown out the noise, and fall into a restless sleep.

Crash! Something just woke you up. You sit up in bed and look around. The bedroom door opens and before you see anything, you can smell it. Death. Dead skin and rotten insides. You're paralyzed with fear, as if you're watching this happen to someone else. A face appears from behind the door. Then another, then another. Then another. Why didn't you pay attention to the noises? But there's no point in asking questions now. Because a pack of zombies have just cornered their prey …

But fear not, fearless zombie hunters! There are ways to survive if, perchance, the government releases a virus or detonates a bomb that turns 99% of us into the undead.

Zombie's Anatomy
First, do not negotiate. It will fall on deaf ears. Or perhaps, dead ears. According to Max Brooks, author of The Zombie Survival Guide, "the parts of the brain that control memory are liquefied and used by the [zombie] virus to create more viruses and destroy motor functions. The body exists just to keep the brain alive." So if your spouse, parent or friend has become a zombie, do not give in to the horror movie conventions by saying "Don't you remember? It's your old buddy, Frank!" Because, as in the movies, it just doesn't work.

Zombies are driven only by the desire to feed. "We're not sure why," Brooks says, "they don't use it for food." Indeed, none of the usual bodily functions are at play in a zombie — no oxygen is needed, no blood, nor nourishment, excretion and definitely not sex. But what is it that turns a healthy person into the undead? Brooks believes it is a virus called solanum.

"We still don't know much about it. We don't know the origins of any virus … it's spread through direct fluid-to-fluid contact, usually through a bite. It's not airborne, and you can't get it from a toilet seat." But in a day, you'll be dead. "A day is about the mean," says Brooks. "It depends on where you're bitten. If it's a vein it goes right to the heart and is pumped through the bloodstream. So that's much faster than if you're bitten in an artery." And there is no cure.

Planning the Defense
So now that you know what drives the zombie, what is the best defense? The following are strong and weak points.

Strong: their brains don't need oxygen or blood, they can withstand a heck of a lot more damage. They can attack underwater, and even a decapitated head can deliver a fatal bite. "They hunt 24/7. They never sleep, they never close," says Brooks.

Weak: they are uniformly slow, cannot think and form no strategies. So you can outrun them and outthink them, if you keep your wits about you. "It's all psychology. You almost have to become as mechanical as they are. You can't fly into a rage — you must be completely zen." They also do not have superhuman strength — unless they had superhuman strength as a human. So you should "be more afraid of a Mike Tyson zombie than a Larry David one."

A good head on your shoulders along with a survival kit will stack the odds way in your favor. Brooks' ideal survivor kit is this: "A water filter — this is the most important thing. Without clean water, you're dead. Comfy shoes and dry socks. Dress in layers. Bring a machete." Why machete over shotgun? "Guns need bullets. Plus, every time you fire that gun you're telling the zombies where you are."

So it's late at night, you're in your jammies and the zombies have just discovered you. Know what to do now? Keep in mind Brooks' departing words: "Don't be afraid. Use your head. And cut off theirs."